Some of the most useful psychological principles are also some of the simplest. One example of this is the notion of there being three core coping strategies when we find ourselves in a very difficult situation that doesn’t seem to be improving – change it, accept it or leave. It’s best not to simply put up with a problem situation indefinitely if it continues to weigh heavily on us. That may impact negatively on our physical as well as our mental health in the long run.
It’s often best to first aim to change or improve a difficult situation, such as if there is ongoing major conflict in our workplace or prolonged dissatisfaction in a relationship. We will likely start off with a problem-solving approach and consider alternative ways to improve the situation. It helps to clarify what the main problem seems to be. We might draw it to the attention of others who have an interest in the situation. We can consider what kind of support we need or what kind of help we could request from others. It often helps to start with one small thing that might make a difference to build confidence that the situation may improve. Even small improvements can help to build momentum.
Sometimes the challenging situation may seem so entrenched or difficult that we’re not confident it will improve. This might be the case if someone works in an organization where they work with leaders whom they find difficult to deal with. However, the other features of their work, including job location, other conditions, career opportunities and friendships with colleagues might encourage them to stay.
In this circumstance it may be wise to accept the difficult aspects of your situation as something unfortunate and unpleasant, but not necessarily a deal-breaker. For example, someone may feel there’s little they can do to influence a leader’s poor management style, but might choose to take the good with the bad. We might remind ourselves that many situations involve some compromise and it’s an unfortunate fact of life that others can act in ways that complicate things for us. If we focus on the things that we like doing and have more control over, such as a teacher focusing mainly on what happens inside the classroom rather than outside of it, frustrations can be contained mainly to those times that we experience some direct disruption.
When attempting to accept a problematic situation owing to the potential costs or disadvantages of leaving, it helps to maximize our opportunities to draw on our top character strengths. For example, if a teacher in the earlier example has top strengths of creativity and kindness, they might mainly focus at work on creatively preparing for and delivering lessons whilst paying particular attention to how their students are benefiting from their generous effort. Again, maximizing their satisfaction from what they can control will likely further offset their frustrations.
A third coping alternative, which might often seem a more dramatic one, is to leave. We’ll likely be more prepared to do so if we have already made repeated efforts to improve the current situation and have also spent some time considering our other options.
If we have been in a situation that we continue to find unacceptable despite having made considerable attempts to change it, and despite having considered the benefits that may offset the difficulties, then it might be time to leave. The clearer we are on why we’re leaving and what we’d prefer in a new environment, the more likely we are to find it elsewhere.
If you feel that an ongoing circumstance is becoming destructive to your health and wellbeing, merely tolerating the situation with major ongoing frustrations is not a coping response.
Chris Mackey is a clinical and counselling psychologist with over 40 years’ psychotherapy and supervision experience in public hospital and private practice settings.
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For more mental health and therapy articles, see https://www.chrismackey.com.au/tag/clinical-handouts.