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Enhancing Marital Relationships

2010-05-27T00:00:00--10:00

The question might be asked, "Why marry?". As Kierkegaard said about marriage, "If you do it you'll regret it — if you don't do it you'll regret it.” But the British Office of National Statistics in 2007 reported that married couples live longer, that younger married men have half the mortality rate of unmarried men, that married people commonly enjoy better health, that children living with married parents are healthier, and that those children stay in education longer. Marriage is also reportedly associated with better psychological adjustment, reduced violence, increased wealth and reduced welfare dependency. There are clearly many community benefits to marriage which help justify society’s efforts to support the institution. However, a distinction needs to be made between happy and unhappy marriages. Research shows that those who are unhappily married are more prone to illness than others, and that unhappy marital partners live on average four years less than happy ones. Therefore whether or not to marry might not be the key question, but how might one go about having a happy, long-term union.
Of all the things I have heard and read about marriage after 25 years or so of offering marital therapy, a few in particular stand out. First of all, a healthy marriage is essentially based on a deep friendship. Yet it is nonetheless important to continue to appreciate the “otherness” of one’s partner in order not to be lulled into an overly cosy or complacent familiarity which may stifle passion. A key issue is the way in which marital partners respond to the challenges of marriage which involve sacrifice. As suggested by the American philosopher, Joseph Campbell, when marriage is appreciated by each partner as a higher order entity than the partners themselves, then they may sacrifice to the relationship as opposed to sacrificing to each other. This in turn strengthens the marriage from which each partner derives benefit.

Regardless of our own views of marriage and intimate relationships in general, there is a greater level of understanding these days as to what kinds of things will lead to a marriage being a happy long-term union or failing, either through divorce or by living unhappy parallel lives. The most convincing research in this area has been conducted by John and Julie Gottman and their colleagues at the Gottman Relationship Institute, which has been reported in such books as “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. It used to be thought that marital partners mainly required good communication and conflict management skills to promote a happy marriage: indeed, much previous marital therapy focused on promoting communication skills including active listening described below. Having good communication skills may be an advantage, but many people (including many of our grandparents’ generation) could be considered to have relatively modest communication skills whilst having very happy marriages, and many people with excellent communication skills may end up divorced. This blog highlights principles and practices, largely drawing from the work of John and Julie Gottman and others, which have seemed most useful in offering relationship therapy. These principles can be taken to apply just as well to those in de facto or same sex relationships.

Active listening skills

Marital therapists have historically focused on the quality of the couple's communication to address troubled relationships, commonly by encouraging “active listening”. This process involves each partner practising ways of expressing and listening to their respective concerns, wishes, thoughts and feelings to promote feelings of connection between them and to heal disconnection. Partners would be encouraged to find a conducive time and setting to support a sense of relative safety (initially that might be a therapist’s consulting room), and be encouraged to communicate in dialogues rather than parallel monologues with an attitude of curiosity about the other’s perspective rather than judgment. Partners would be encouraged to take turns practising their capacity to speak clearly about their conflict-related thoughts whilst the other’s role would be to actively listen. The listener would then check that they had accurately grasped the intended message by paraphrasing what they understood their partner to be saying, and then directly checking to see that they had fully appreciated the underlying message their partner had intended to convey. For example, after paraphrasing what they believed their partner was wanting to convey, they might ask, “Have I got that?”, or, “Is there anything else?”. Then, when the speaker’s message was well understood, the listening partner would take their turn to speak about the issue being discussed. Each partner might also be guided to show appreciation for what their partner had shared.

There seems little doubt that such dialogue could support partners’ empathic attunement and feelings of connection with each other, especially if each partner were indeed to willingly communicate in such a collaborative fashion about important issues which had aroused painful emotions, and if each partner’s expressed understanding of the other’s views were relatively accurate. But this might be a tall order! Such a process might be much more difficult than it seems, especially if the issues being discussed and underlying conflicts associated with them were to arouse deep or longstanding painful emotions. Discussing challenging topics with one’s partner can be difficult without feeling criticized. The challenge is greater if either partner has longstanding tendencies to avoid conflict.

Indeed, the Gottmans’ research suggests that marital therapy based on coaching in active listening skills tends to meet with little success in preventing separation and divorce. Having good active listening skills is neither necessary nor sufficient for a happy long-term relationship. Even though the Gottmans’ own work revealed that they too spent considerable time coaching their clients in ways to improve their verbal communication and conflict management skills, they demonstrated that there were many other practical and more reliable ways in which partners could enhance their relationship whether their marriage was troubled or not.

Key features of happy and unhappy marriages

Following extensive objective research with hundreds of couples, the Gottmans and their colleagues highlighted the key features which differentiated happy and unhappy marriages and which helped predict whether couples would experience ongoing happiness or separation and divorce. They emphasized that a happy marriage appears to be primarily based on a deep friendship. This would be reflected in partners feeling connected to each other, feeling safe, and believing that their partner truly cares for them. Happily married partners would tend to support each other’s hopes and have a sense of shared purpose. Happily married couples do not necessarily have similar values or interests. They will still have disagreements and at times feel frustrated or irritated with each other. In particular, healthy couples relate in ways which demonstrate a "positive sentiment override", meaning that each partner’s underlying positive feelings toward the other will help override uncomfortable or conflictual situations. They will also make effective attempts at "repair", or active ways to improve the situation if there are lingering uncomfortable feelings. Under such circumstances couples may manage relatively well even with areas of conflict that are not easily resolved at all, recognizing that the impact of such conflicts can be transcended as a result of their underlying respect for and appreciation of each other.

The Gottmans highlighted a number of factors that help predict divorce. One is when couples typically have a harsh start-up to their arguments which may involve yelling, blaming, sarcasm or other more intense negative reactions. They found that the outcome of an argument can be predicted with 96% accuracy in the first three minutes (which obviously means that if an argument is not going well after three minutes it is usually best to discontinue at that point, at least until emotions have further settled!). The Gottmans identified four different types of negative interactions which were most destructive to marriage. Expressions of contempt were perhaps the most destructive. Such expressions include sneering, eye rolling, name-calling, sarcasm and hostile humour. Other negative patterns included persistent criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling according to which a partner might block attempts at communication. Vicious cycles might develop such as a pattern of one partner criticising and the other being defensive or stonewalling. Regardless of one's potential communication skills these reactions, especially when prolonged, tend to harm a marital relationship. When combined with harsh start-ups to arguments, they were highly predictive of divorce. Another predictor of divorce which is commonly associated with the negative interactions described above is "flooding", which involves either partner feeling overwhelmed by intense emotions during their interactions. This will partly be reflected in very heightened levels of bodily arousal and distress and failed attempts at repairing a situation. Couples might then focus on the present and past negatives in their relationship, perhaps rewriting their history in an exaggeratedly negative light. They might then become pessimistic about their prospects of improving their marital situation. They may view their problems as severe, consider that talking over such problems will lead to little benefit and then start to adopt parallel lives with increasing feelings of loneliness. Under such circumstances there is understandably a greater risk of either partner having an affair, commonly leading to further hurt and alienation.

Strategies to enhance marital relationships

Fortunately, the Gottmans and their colleagues have spent much time researching and describing ways of helping people enhance their marital interactions through such means as the following.

Enhance your “love maps” (or close personal knowledge and understanding of your partner):This means showing an active interest in the details of each other’s life such as by catching up with each other to discuss the day’s events. It also means knowing about each partner’s views and preferences in a wide range of areas as well as their joys, fears and stresses. Knowing each partner’s character strengths would be an additional valuable way of deepening each partner’s understanding of the other. A practical way of identifying each partner’s character strengths is to access the “Authentic Happiness” website developed by Dr Martin Seligman (see the first link on the links page of this website, or http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu), and accessing and completing the VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire, an objective way of identifying one’s most meaningful and enduring positive attributes. Recognizing how each partner’s character strengths are apparent in everyday life, and sharing such views with each other, can have a particularly beneficial impact.

Nurture your fondness and admiration: This relates to cultivating and appreciating the ways you like your partner and see them as being worthy of respect. Such feelings add to a store of goodwill that can help counter negative feelings and transcend conflict. This includes reminding yourself of your partner’s good qualities for which the Signature Strengths exercise described above can also be of particular benefit. In everyday interaction, nurturing one’s fondness is commonly reflected in putting a positive spin on things that your partner has said or done.

Turning toward each other rather than away: This relates to the ways that partners attempt to stay connected and engaged in their interactions with each other, despite potentially competing demands or interests. The Gottmans described how partners may make “bids for attention”, or offer a comment, gesture, request or other attempt (which may be subtle) to engage their partner. In happy marriages, partners tend to notice and respond to such bids for attention, affection or support which further contributes to their store of goodwill toward each other, or “emotional bank account”. This is one area where active listening can indeed be helpful, but of most importance is perhaps the regular attempt to connect in even simple or mundane ways, such as chatting whilst eating a meal together. Making time for conversation with each other about the day’s events when reconnecting at the end of the day can be particularly helpful.

Let your partner influence you: Happy marriages will likely reflect a preparedness to share power which may be demonstrated by yielding to the other’s influence. Historically and culturally, women may have tended to manage this more readily: the Gottmans’ research shows that the majority of marriages in which men are not prepared to share power will likely end in separation and divorce. Men in general are also more prone than women to respond to a raised issue of conflict with escalating negativity. Therefore the onus may commonly be more on the husband to recognize that accepting his wife’s influence and appreciating her interest in asserting herself may bolster the marriage and strengthen their friendship.

Solve your solvable problems:

Some problems are more readily solvable whereas others are more likely to be enduring and require long-term compromise. It helps to appreciate the difference, and yet in each case to look for at least some common ground. Common areas of conflict relate to money, sex, housework, children, stress spilling over from work, and conflict with in-laws. A number of such problem areas can be helpfully addressed through constructive dialogue and perhaps some compromise, especially if each partner shows a genuine understanding of the other’s views and interests and allows for them having different preferences. A win-win attitude helps. For example, conflicts about different attitudes to spending or saving money might be at least partly addressed by making a budget to bolster one partner’s sense of economic security, whilst planning to set money aside for spending on a trip which helps satisfy the other partner’s desire for freedom or adventure. Conflicts about housework and interest in sex are often assisted, at least in part, by the husband doing more housework!

Some problems might not ever be solvable in terms of allowing for a relatively full resolution and are therefore perpetual. This might include partners having deeply rooted differences in personality attributes, lifestyle preferences or beliefs, e.g., each partner having very different ways of expressing emotions, very different preferences for amount of socializing with others relative to time together, or some fundamentally different beliefs about the best ways to raise their children. Addressing such conflicts may relate to accepting their enduring presence, but making various compromises or adaptations so that each partner feels that their respective views, interests and preferences have been acknowledged and that attempts have been made to optimally accommodate their core priorities. It can help to remember the theme of sacrificing to the relationship rather than to one’s partner. In addressing conflicts, whether ultimately solvable or not, it helps to manage the intensity of one’s own and one’s partner’s emotions by adopting a relatively soft start-up to discussions, helping contain your own and your partner’s level of emotional arousal (e.g. by considering your tone of voice) and making repair attempts.

Address intractable problems or “overcome gridlock”: Some problems may be particularly disruptive through being unsolvable and leading to repeated painful arguments and disagreement as a result of being based on unfulfilled dreams or deeper unmet needs. For example, one partner may wish to have children whereas the other doesn’t, there might be long-term conflict between one partner’s career aspirations and the other’s desire for more time together, or there may be fundamentally different attitudes to money, etc. In such situations, it helps to recognize and respect each partner’s deep wishes or dreams that may underlie their stance which may relate to past experiences in their family of origin (e.g. one partner was raised in a family with little economic security whereas the other felt stifled in their childhood environment, leading to very different priorities in saving for the future relative to funding an adventurous holiday to enhance one’s sense of freedom). It helps if such deep wishes or dreams are identified, openly acknowledged and respected rather than ignored or dismissed in which case conflicts based on underlying unmet needs are likely to painfully recur. When each partner’s potentially conflicting dreams are recognized and openly acknowledged, there may be scope to find some kind of compromise or common ground which revolves around each partner recognizing their “bottom line”, or core areas on which they are not prepared to yield, whilst identifying ways in which they can show flexibility to also accommodate their partner’s non-negotiable areas. The problem might not be solved as such, but a compromise may be found which each partner feels they can accept whilst respecting the other’s deeper wishes.

Create shared meaning: This relates to developing a shared marital, and perhaps family, culture incorporating values that build further depth to a friendship through shared meaning. This may include developing shared rituals of connection such as how mealtimes, weekends or holidays are planned and shared; patterns of socializing and celebrating; and typical routines around watching TV, bedtime, etc. Meaning is also cultivated by considering the compatibility or sharing of various roles undertaken by each partner. Shared goals and values around such areas as child rearing, career aspirations and connections with family or community groups and others are also relevant. Shared symbols which convey compatible philosophies or values can further provide meaning, whether in the form of photos, cultural or religious symbols or other objects or even repeated stories which reflect an underlying bond.

In summary, as described by the Gottmans, couples can go a long way to enhancing their satisfaction in their relationship by creating predictable, routine and happily anticipated daily ways of connecting. Practical strategies include finding out something about each other’s day on parting, having a half-hour, stress-reducing conversation when reuniting and communicating genuine affection and appreciation in other ways each day. Such interactions cultivate and support the depth of friendship between marital partners in the longer term over and above any particular verbal or problem-solving or conflict management skills.

Other perspectives on marriage

There appear to be increasing challenges to the traditional societal “ideal” of marriage and the expectation of people to “live happily ever after” in a single, long-term monogamous relationship. This is reflected in increasing divorce rates over several decades, the prevalence of extramarital sexual liaisons (which research estimates suggest may occur at some stage in approximately 20% – some say up to half – of all marriages), a greater acceptance of varying relationship arrangements including same sex and de facto relationships, and seemingly increasing questioning about the viability of long-term monogamous relationships, especially given the ageing of the population. It is increasingly common for individuals to have two, or three sequential long-term relationships in adult life.

Whereas the Gottmans and other marital therapists commonly emphasize the notion of connecting with each other in marriage, Esther Perel, a therapist and writer, emphasized the importance of balancing the goals of seeking intimacy and security in a relationship with allowing for novelty and adventure. She elaborated on such views in her book, “Mating in Captivity” as well as when interviewed on the former ABC television interview program, Enough Rope, in an interview which can be accessed via the link, http://www.abc.net.au/tv/enoughrope/transcripts/s2058313.htm). She suggested that an over familiarity with one's partner could stifle sexual interest and passion in a relationship. The state of heightened lust, or what is known as "limerence", typically lasts no more than two or three years in an exclusive long-term relationship. Esther Perel suggested that to retain passion in a relationship it was important to be able to continue to view one’s partner as an “other”, and to allow for each partner to relate positively to others outside the relationship. This might also include situations whereby each partner could acknowledge sexual attraction between themselves and another person outside the marriage, whether by acknowledging fantasies, flirting and even in some cases, accepting more open relationships. She contrasted the taboo against even consensual non-exclusive relationships with the seeming relatively ready acceptance of divorce. It helps for partners to be direct and accepting of each other in negotiating any such boundaries in their relationship, showing mutual respect whilst still hopefully allowing room for some adventure and novelty. Acknowledging attraction to others is, of course, more likely to be fraught with tension and conflict if the couple’s relationship does not already have a stable foundation reinforced by the kinds of connections described by the Gottmans. Most writers would agree on the potential benefits of partners at least being able to share fantasies and requests for playfully exploring different sexual experiences with each other, at least within the bounds of their relationship. The seemingly conventional expectation that marital partners retain an exclusive sexual attraction to each other throughout a lengthy lifespan might reflect an overly rigid expectation which could contribute to reduced passion in marital relationships and paradoxically lead to greater marital dissatisfaction and breakdown.

Whereas Esther Perel’s views about marriage and sexual relationships might seem unconventional and confronting, it is important for couples to consider the ways they allow themselves to differentiate from each other as well as to link and connect. Partners can differentiate themselves by allowing themselves and their partner to cultivate different interests, to develop connections with others, and to express differing preferences and opinions. Indeed, we may be more likely to maintain or revive an interest in our intimate partner if we appreciate them as an “other”, including accepting that we don’t know all there is to know about them. Even in conflict situations, we might consider their contrasting views as a means to open ourselves to different or novel perspectives. Perel highlights that often people report finding a partner most attractive when they look at them from a comfortable distance such as seeing them play with their children, engaging in physical activity, or performing the work role or other role in which they are skilled. As Perel suggested, Considering the “otherness” of one’s partner may help a relationship grow and evolve in a manner where each partner might, in a sense, experience two or three relationships with the same long-term partner.

Engaging in dialogue

Engaging in dialogue is a key to constructive communication. This blog, among other things, will hopefully serve as a discussion point for partners to have a worthwhile conversation about the ways in which they relate to each other. Many of the strategies described have been found to not only help address serious marital problems and decrease the likelihood of separation and divorce, but also to enhance marital satisfaction in circumstances where couples are already relatively happily married.

Dealing with "Burnout"

2008-05-16T00:00:00--10:00

"Burnout" is a term which relates to symptomatic distress we may experience after being in stressful circumstances associated with persistent demands placed on us. Burnout occurs when the demands on us outstrip our resources including strategies for coping. For example, we may become "burnt out" after a period of excessive work demands, especially when there has been limited time for oneself. We may feel overwhelmed and wish for more time or more support. We may experience ourselves and others as falling short of expectations. This can be combined with a range of symptoms associated with increased stress described below.

Before considering symptoms of burnout it is worth considering a number of issues related to stress in general. First of all, stress is universal. Stress relates to our level of arousal. Any form of effort, challenge or adjustment may increase our level of arousal. Therefore stress is part of living: we would be inert without it. Stress is not all bad. With very low stress our arousal is very low so we are not likely to be at all productive. As our arousal level increases from a low point our performance is also likely to improve and we are likely to be the more productive and effective at achieving various goals. This may help one's achievement on the sporting field, during an examination or completing a number of physical tasks in a particular period of time. However, as our arousal level increases beyond a certain point we will no longer benefit from improved performance: in fact our performance will decline. If our arousal level then increases even further we can become very unproductive as a result of excessive stress.

We vary in the level of stress which we can tolerate before it has an unhealthy impact on us. It is important for us to be able to recognize signs which may indicate undue levels of stress so that we can seek to reduce demands on us or bolster our resources, including strategies for coping. We each have our own characteristic "stress signature", or typical pattern of symptoms we might experience when our stress levels are increasing up to a mild, moderate, and then severe level. It is especially helpful to recognize early signs of burnout as useful signals to note and then plan to make stress-reducing adjustments in one's activities and lifestyle. If burnout reactions become more severe and persist they are at risk of developing into anxiety or depressive disorders.

Burnout symptoms include physical, emotional, mental, relational and spiritual symptoms. Physical symptoms can include muscle tension, headaches, other aches and pains, poor sleep, fatigue, restlessness, teeth grinding, changing appetite, rashes, stomach complaints, and susceptibility to colds and other illnesses. Emotional symptoms include anxiety and worry, frustration, irritability, depressed moods, a sense of discouragement and experiencing little joy. Mental symptoms may include forgetfulness and poor concentration, boredom, confusion, negative self-talk, spacing out, dulled senses and lower productivity. Relational symptoms may include increased withdrawal and isolation, intolerance of others, fewer social contacts, and loneliness, distrust, resentment, nagging, arguments and reduced intimacy. Spiritual symptoms may include feelings of emptiness and loss of meaning, loss of direction, cynicism, martyrdom, apathy, being unforgiving or feeling a need to prove oneself.

When addressing stress and burnout we might best aim to find a balance in our priorities so that we can be effective in what we set out to achieve yet still allow room for our own rest, recuperation and leisure as well as time with friends and loved ones. Our response to burnout may prove to be helpful or unhelpful. Unhelpful responses may include worrying, increased use of alcohol or cigarettes, poor eating habits, continuing to work too hard, ignoring the problem (perhaps thinking there is not enough time to address it), blaming oneself or others, neglecting relationships and becoming more avoidant or isolated. Helpful strategies include recognizing the symptoms as signs of persistently increased stress and committing to do something about it. It is important to be forgiving of oneself for having developed such stress reactions in the first place. Specific strategies may involve time management and problem-solving techniques, seeking social support, practising relaxation or meditation techniques, physical exercise, using humour, giving to oneself (including engaging in positive self-talk), engaging in other restful activities or doing anything that one experiences as "recharging one's batteries". Other issues to consider in a work setting are containing our availability and responsiveness to e-mails and phone calls and other demands on our time.

For health professionals and others in caring roles it can be important to find a balance in aiming for helping versus "rescuing" our clients, meaning being careful not to take excessive responsibility for others, especially in areas where they might take responsibility for themselves. When in challenging supportive roles it is generally also important to build supports around oneself. It can be of particular benefit to develop some kind of ritual or transition after work to help let go of a demanding work role at the end of the day. Sometimes the question is put, "Who cares for the carers?" Ultimately it is up to carers to find ways at times of putting themselves first. It may be relevant to consider the analogy of using an oxygen mask on a plane. Parents are commonly advised in case of emergency to put on their own oxygen mask before they fit the mask on their children. We are likely to be of less benefit to others in challenging circumstances if we have not taken care of our own health and well-being.

Other strategies from the field of positive psychology include drawing on one's signature character strengths to address current challenges (see podcast on character strengths in Podcast section of this website) and exploring ways of inducing positive emotions including gratitude faith, love, hope joy, forgiveness and compassion. When we experience such positive emotions in our everyday lives this helps counter some of the lingering negative effects of stress. One such positive psychology exercise includes writing down three things each day for which we have felt grateful. These can be small and simple things such as enjoying a joke with a friend or appreciating some support from others or a skill one relied on to complete a task that day.

When considering burnout at work it is relevant to consider job satisfaction. A degree of job satisfaction is likely to depend on the range of aspects of work which we find uplifting relative to those aspects which we experience as unpleasant or draining. It helps to enhance our awareness of what we find positive compared to what we dislike. Professor Martin Seligman's "Authentic Happiness" model described in the aforementioned podcast outlines strategies to help us become more aware of our signature character strengths which we may draw on at work.

In summary, burnout occurs when the demands on us outstrip our resources. Some level of stress is a universal part of living. If we recognize from our characteristic signs of escalating stress (or “stress signature”) that our wellbeing is suffering, we can consider a range of practical and helpful strategies to address this. Exploring stress management strategies is an exercise in experimenting and learning what works best for each of us as an individual.

What is a mid-life crisis and what is so good about it?

2008-04-28T00:00:00--10:00

All of us will face periods of transition in our lives which involve particular challenges. Some psychological adjustments relate not so much to external events, but to more internal challenges, perhaps associated with life stages and the aging process. Early last century Carl Jung spoke of psychological challenges which occur in our lives around mid-life, around 40 years of age give or take two or three years or after around 13 years of marriage. It is commonly a period of both upheaval and potential growth.

A mid-life crisis commonly relates to a sense of turmoil that someone may have within themselves as they increasingly ponder spiritual questions such as, "Who am I?”, "What is life about?", "Am I living the right way for me?", "What are my priorities in life?, or " What direction might I take in life from here?" People would be more inclined to ask such questions more keenly with a greater awareness that, even with a relatively long life span, their life would likely be half over. This increases one's sense of mortality, often combined with a sense of loss of youth. People might be in a better position to ponder such questions having reached a stage of their lives where they could likely reflect on how they personally might wish to lead their lives more independently of the impact of past influences and decisions. Until the late 30’s many people would be leading their lives in a way which would be strongly influenced by their upbringing in terms of their parents’ influence, where they grew up, the influence of peer groups, and the impact of earlier decisions that they made in terms of career choices, choice of partner and the patterns and routines in their lives which they have already established. Towards 40 years of age people have a greater potential to understand themselves more as a person somewhat independently of these influences. Furthermore, people would generally be able to anticipate several decades further of life expectancy which may help justify making decisions which could cause great upheaval. People may then be more likely to ask themselves questions about how they are conducting their lives with greater poignancy or impact than usual. People may question whether they're married to the right partner, whether they have chosen an appropriate career for themselves and whether they are acting in accordance with their own underlying interests and values. People may have a sense of regret about past decisions which have shaped their lives in a particular direction. When people are experiencing distress in the form of depression or anxiety related to other life challenges, such mid-life questions and challenges may add to a sense of confusion and perhaps despair.

A key thing to understand about a mid-life crisis is that it relates to an inner struggle in terms of the person's relationship with themselves. Individuals around that time of life may be reviewing the extent to which they adapt to other peoples’ wishes and accommodate others relative to pursuing their own personal directions or interests which may assist them to feel that they are living their own lives in a more authentic manner. It may be confusing and at times distressing to weigh up potential sacrifices between one’s own goals and one’s key relationships when such interests appear to conflict. Individuals may recognize potential conflicts related to the persona and the self, that is the way one presents to the outer world and how one is seen by others (persona), and the way that they experience themselves from within. People may experience considerable conflict between other people's expectations and views of them relative to how they see themselves.

At the time of the mid-life crisis there is likely an inner striving for the person to become more balanced, rounded or whole in their personality functioning. Men and women may be drawn to further developing complementary aspects of their character more commonly related with the other gender: for example, women may become more goal-focused and assertive and participate more in activities outside the family. Men may be more inclined to make adjustments in their approach to work, may become less competitive and may focus more on their relationships. As Jung described, people may also be inclined to balance out other aspects of their personality to achieve a more integrated self, such as their relative emphasis on complementary ways of processing information and relating to the world including thinking versus feeling and using intuition versus sensation (practicality). These personality characteristics are explored in a widely used personality test, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. People may be confused as they face some, often unconscious, inner struggle to promote their less developed qualities. People may become drawn to others who either represent, or help them to develop, their less developed personality characteristics. This may lead some people to be more susceptible to having an affair with an individual who further stimulates their interest in developing their less developed qualities. Again, it helps for the person to be aware that the key issue is one’s development of one’s relationship with oneself in order to have a more integrated and rounded personality. Our dreams may offer us clues as to how we might draw on and further develop aspects of our personality to become more rounded.

Ultimately a mid-life crisis is about growth; although such challenging experiences can be unsettling and confusing there are many benefits which can result. Sometimes it is by acknowledging and mourning losses that we are in the best position to truly renew ourselves. The sense of psychological upheaval that people may experience around mid-life years can lead them to be more curious about and able to reflect on internal questions and experiences. People are more likely develop a greater awareness of themselves as a result of such questioning. People are likely to become more rounded as individuals and to develop further balance between the emphasis they place on goals they wish to achieve and nurturing their relationships. As a result of questioning one's direction people can make decisions about changes that they wish to make in their lives. People can use this stage of relative flux to be more determined to make the changes that may help them in the future. People may find a better fit or match between and their own interests and their environment including whom they choose to associate with. People can gain a renewed energy from having a more refined purpose about their sense of direction in life. As a result of a greater awareness of mortality people can be more appreciative of what is most important to them. By facing uncomfortable and at times confusing feelings people may be better able to tolerate uncertainty and emotional discomfort whilst remaining reflective. This can help people to manage with future challenges.

Further relevant and detailed insights are well described in books by a Melbourne psychotherapist, Dr Peter O'Connor, including, “Understanding the Mid-life Crisis” and “Dreams”.

Parenting Teenagers

2007-11-28T00:00:00--10:00

What comes to mind when we hear the term ‘generation gap’? Parents and children of any age are likely to experience at least some degree of frustration and conflict in their everyday interactions because we are not always going to want the same thing. It is normal and healthy for parents and children to have different wants or interests. There are likely to be extra tensions in the household where those children are of teenage years. It might be then considered to be in their ‘job description’ to test the limits and push the boundaries as it were. It is during these years, often in the relative safety of the home, that teenagers will be testing out their range of ways of having an impact on others and their world in general, and seeking to establish an identity separate from their parents. It is all a part of healthy growing up. It is also in the relative safety of a home environment that teenagers can allow themselves to explore different ways of managing with emotions, including painful emotions, in a more independent way. Running to one’s parents for a soothing hug is probably getting past its use-by-date as a means for handling hurts of whatever sort. Allowing one’s negative emotions or behaviours to be on display and withdrawing somewhat from direct communication with one’s parents can also be a way of creating more space for a teenager to explore their own emerging identity and engaging in the long-term task of gradually separating from their family. This is not to say that direct communication, understanding and support is not just as important as at any other time. Recent social research reported in newspapers indicated that teenagers’ families are especially important to them, along with their friendships.

Teenagers face many stresses associated with various life adjustments. They may be concerned about such issues as drugs, sexuality, bullying, relationships and mental health issues. They may have particular concerns about their relative achievement and the potential expectations of themselves and others. It is not only the actual expectations of their parents or actual perceptions of them that may concern them, but the perceived expectations or views of their parents that can be a source of stress. This is where it can be especially important for parents to directly convey their acceptance, love, appreciation and concern for their children in unambiguously positive terms, even around times of increased conflict. I have seen numerous families over the years where it is blatantly obvious that the teenager and parents love each other and wish to relate closely to each other, but where this is not recognized by the family members themselves owing to the extent or intensity of arguments or conflicts.

Even the best of parents may struggle amid the joy of their relationship with teenage children. A few basic guidelines may help. Children of any age benefit from their parents’ understanding and support. As children reach teenage years it is increasingly important to use a problem-solving approach in negotiating and discussing issues around appropriate limits with them. With regard to
such issues as expectations about tidiness, use of alcohol, curfews or contribution to household chores, it helps to have a balance of flexibility along with a preparedness to establish some limits. It is important that parents show due concern about their children being involved in risk-taking behaviour around drugs, alcohol, driving or sexuality. It is helpful to have open and frank discussions about such topics, expressing concerns, but being genuinely interested in each other’s views. Parents might be rightfully wary of sounding overly rigid or judgmental, but it may be important to not be overly permissive which can appear to their children and others as a sign of benign neglect. It helps when parents support each other in trying to strike an appropriate balance on such issues whilst seeking to engage their teenage children in dialogue about what expectations might be fair or reasonable.

Parents of teenagers might benefit from applying principles of positive psychology articulated by Martin Seligman (see free website www.authentichappiness.org and the VIA Signature Strengths questionnaire). Seligman describes a number of key character strengths or positive qualities that may be particularly important for parents to recognise in their children and acknowledge. By completing the questionnaire themselves, parents may also recognize what positive qualities they bring to their parenting. These qualities may include such virtues as love of knowledge, social intelligence, creativity, sense of humour, persistence, courage, kindness, and zest. There may be particular benefits in openly acknowledging such qualities in one's children when they are strongly seeking to establish their separate sense of identity. It would likely also be beneficial for parents to encourage their children to pursue work and study interests or other activities which draw on their children's signature character strengths. When individuals engage in such strengths they are likely to be absorbed in the activities they are pursuing and to experience a resulting sense of meaning and fulfilment.

Turning a Bigger Problem into a Lesser One

2007-11-14T18:35:00--10:00

Many people find it very difficult to make a decision to see a psychologist. Often when they do so, this has already started a process of turning a bigger problem into a lesser one. Because commonly when people see a psychologist for the first time, they have two problems, or layers of problems. The first problem is what they are seeking help for, perhaps a panic or anxiety reaction, a depressive condition, an anger or behavioural problem, or perhaps a relationship issue or a life adjustment problem. But in addition to that, people commonly have a second problem which relates to their reaction to the first - commonly in the form of non-acceptance or shame. And it is this non-acceptance of the first problem which is the bigger stumbling block, or at least a significant barrier to progress. Reactions to the original problem can also include feeling very anxious about having panic reactions, feeling helpless about ones relationship problem, or even being depressed about being depressed.

Acknowledging a problem openly, and particularly acknowledging it to someone who has a very informed understanding of such issues, is perhaps the most important step toward acceptance. Commonly when people reveal such a personal aspect of their experience, they may learn that many others have felt or reacted a similar way. They may learn that many others have successfully addressed such difficulties. They might find themselves sitting opposite someone who has a deep and genuine appreciation of the nature of their difficulties, yet clearly remains optimistic about their prospects of overcoming them. When clients have the experience of being understood and accepted despite revealing something about themselves that they might have found wanting or shameful, they commonly experience greater hope. The experience of standing back from a problem and gaining an increased understanding of it with a therapist's help can shift a burden from feeling potentially insurmountable to a set of circumstances that might be actively addressed in some way, even though the path of recovery may not be clear at first. Once someone is able to accept themselves having a particular problem, and has reduced their sense of shame associated with having it, the practical steps for best addressing the first problem more readily unfold. At that point, the first problem has become a lesser one.

The Relevance of Positive Psychology

2007-11-14T17:06:00--10:00

This is a particularly interesting time in the development of the psychology field. People are only just beginning to understand the potential power of positive or optimistic thinking. Dr Martin Seligman has done some wonderful work over many years which demonstrates that people can develop more optimistic ways of thinking which helps them to win football competitions, win presidential elections, better survive potentially fatal illnesses and generally feel happier. He has extended his work on learned optimism to highlight ways in which people can have more happy and fulfilling lives by drawing on their signature character strengths. His recent book, Authentic Happiness, outlines ways in which people can reliably seek to experience a greater sense of gratification, as opposed to mere pleasure, in their everyday lives. His website can also be accessed on www.authentichappiness.org.

In my view our prevailing mental health models are unduly pessimistic. It is not uncommon to hear of people described as having mental health conditions which are caused by genetics and which will likely require them to take medication for the rest of their lives. Whereas a proportion of people would likely remain better off to allow for themselves to have to manage a mental health condition for the rest of their lives, I believe that an increasing proportion of people in future will find that their conditions are temporary, only impact on some, and not all, areas of their lives and can ultimately come under their partial control. I believe that improving our mental health systems will have a lot more to do with developing more optimistic models of treatment than simply throwing more money at the problem. This said, I believe that much more money should be spent on mental health, at least to be more on parity with what is spent on physical health. After all, the vast majority of our physical health complaints are dramatically affected by our psychological, social and spiritual experiences and beliefs. Our spiritual wellbeing largely relates to our sense of purpose in life, identity and values. We can often tap into our spiritual experience far better by using our intuition than simply drawing on rational thinking that can interfere with aspects of our awareness if overused.

It is heartening that so many young people are these days studying psychology from late secondary school years onwards. Young people tend to be naturally more hopeful and are not yet encumbered by outdated pessimistic ways of thinking in the mental health and other related fields. To the extent that they study models of positive psychology in addition to developing a very sound clinical understanding of the range of mental health conditions from which people may suffer they will likely help develop more creative ways of promoting positive mental health. It is important to acknowledge that many people who have suffered mental health problems end up making full recoveries and report experiencing a greater understanding of themselves in a manner which leads them to feel no regret about having had the mental health problem in the first place. Just as in our media we are used to hearing more stories which are based on pessimism and threat. As human beings we are first oriented to picking up cues of some threat to ourselves. Therefore negative news stories about terrorism and other problems may be helpful in selling newspapers. I believe that healthy communities should insist on ensuring that positive and optimistic stories receive more exposure. In general our mental health is most enhanced by having the most optimistic stories about ourselves and our lives that nonetheless still fit the facts. Therefore, the better our education and the more enriched our art and culture, the wider range of potentially positive stories we will have to account for our experience.

Chris Mackey, Clinical Psychologist
Chris Mackey and Associates, Specialist Psychology Services